That's it! I've had enough! I quit!

Smoking has been something that I love to do for years now. There's nothing like the feeling of smoking a cigarette after a filling meal, sipping a latte, or taking that first sip of a beer after a long hard days work (I should be in advertising). Or if your me... Whenever your in the car, whenever someone calls, when you wake up in the morning. when you go to sleep at night, when you just found out some great news, when something really shitty just happened, or nothing happened and your just bored and don't have anything better.

I say no more! I'm calling bullshit on you Camel Lights! Yes you are soo delightful on most all of those occasions. Yes you were a symbol of my independence from an abusive relationship. Yes you've been through all of the good and bad times with me. There with me at my deepest darkest moments as well as joyful celebrations.

I have fooled myself into believing that I not only need cigarettes, I want them. After starting Bikram, straightening out my eating habits, as well as my life, I've realized something. I am strong and smart and beautiful and I have no greater desire than to live and be happy. I see so many life paths and options on the horizon and I really don't want my smokes to come with me.

For 5 years we've been bffs. But friends don't try to kill other friends.

I'm sure we'll meet on occasion through different points in my life. But I'm letting you go and taking back control. 

The Plateau

It's official! I'm over the weight loss plateau I've been working to get over since April! I can not believe it!

Height: 5'10 <---(I'm not so sure about this one anymore I feel taller!)
Weight: 176.6 lbs
Bust: 40
Waist: 31
Hips: 42

This was a hard week. I was ill or injured from Thursday through Sunday, so that meant no working out.... And all I wanted to eat was junk food. In fact that's all I want to eat right now too. Right now I'm craving chicken parmesan, bread sticks and salad from olive garden sooooooo bad right now.

 

I indulged sooo many cravings this week that I'm surprised I still saw weight loss. Plus getting under 177 was huge for me. It's the smallest I've been in two years. 

 

I'm soooo happy to finally have this crappy fat off of my body. I feel so much better everyday even when I do indulge it's generally not on high fat food. And I'm still getting cravings for veggies and fruits every day. I feel like my mind and my body have been sooo disconnected for so long, it's such an amazing thing when they start to work together. Every day I feel like I'm coming closer and closer to being the person I've wanted to be forever: confident, patient, caring and strong. Those are things that I've admired in others so much and it's exciting to think that I might actually be that person.

I think this may be the year I can finally fulfill my nerdy girl fantasy of being princess leia (think gold bikini) for Halloween. A girl can dream. 

namaste

<3

One Week Later.

And it's still hard but I like it. This past week I've been back on track with logging my food and exercise with the wonderful LoseIt app. And I've been to 3 Bikram Sessions....

Height: 5'10 <---(I'm not so sure about this one anymore I feel taller!)
Weight: 179 lbs
Bust: 41
Waist: 31
Hips: 42

So I've lost 3lbs (now I'm back to my pre Family Video weight), 1 inch off my waist and a half of an inch off of both my arms and thighs. So total 3lbs 3inches lost but I've gained sooo much this week.
I've gained the knowledge that I can preform eagle and love it, along with the fact that I hate hate hate camel and every time I enter the posture I immediately feel like I'm going to puke!

I'm also starting to gain stability and balance in my life. For a long time I've tended to be an all or nothing type of person. This whole year has been about moderation and boy has it been a struggle. But yoga puts things in perspective for me. I've been thinking a lot about time spent exercising in the past and how I hardly ever enjoyed it. Most of my time spent exercising was filled with thoughts of: when will this be over? what am I doing after? why does this hurt so much? will I ever be "in shape"? I'm learning to focus on the moment and experience things and not always worry or fantasize about what's coming next.

I've always worried or looked forward the future. I've had my life planned out for years. Graduate, go to college, go to grad school, get a high paying completely enjoyable job (yea I know now that that doesn't exist), buy a big beautiful house in the suburbs, go on vacations bi yearly, pop out a kid (or two)... Wow. I've learned that life doesn't work like that. Just because I take the appropriate measures to achieve these "goals" doesn't mean that things will work out perfectly, it doesn't mean that I'll be a happy person. After an intense Bikram session I have this amazing drive home with cool air on my face and a lot of time to think. And what I've been thinking is SCREW THE PLAN! I'm learning to enjoy the things I have and the special little moments that happen to me everyday.

Bikram is changing the way I feel, the way I look and most importantly the way I think. I feel like I can handle anything thrown my way, but for the time being I'm enjoying my increasingly more "zen" life.


Namaste  "the spirit in me respects the spirit in you"

<3

I'm Changing.

Although I've only been to a few sessions. Bikram has begun to infiltrate my mind and my body. I love waking up and feeling sore, but more than anything I love getting up every day and feeling good about my self. I've never felt so happy and empowered before. I've been able to get out of my own head and enjoy what's going on around me. I've been worrying less and feeling less anxiety. My car died on my way home from class this week. But I didn't panic or get upset, I just took it.
I feel so great and I'm  beginning to think that this class is about much more than physical fitness.

Going to hell and back

So I had my first session of Bikram yoga yesterday. But before I get into that I'm gonna give my starting stats.
Height: 5'10
Weight: 182 lbs
Bust: 41
Waist: 32 (yikes)
Hips: 42

Yes this is hard to admit to by the way. But I'm trying to put myself out there be held accountable. So this is this start. Every week I'm going to take another round of pictures and measurements. Not only will I be practicing Bikram but I will be adjusting my eating habits as well.

Sooo my first Bikram session...... It was insane! I got to the place super early signed up and got a tour. The decor is nice it sets the mood for meditation and reflection for sure. I was feeling excited and peaceful, until she showed me to the room I'd be trapped in for the next 90 or so minutes. I was hit with a moist intense heat. I don't think I've ever been outside in 105 degree weather the thought of forcing myself to practice intense yoga in that kind of environment is daunting. I tucked my purse away in a cubby, laid my mat out and began to sweat.
Yes there I was laying quietly on a mat sweating my ass off and the work hadn't even begun. After an intense breathing exercise filled with ridiculous noises, we began our 2 sets of 26 poses.

In case your wondering no they are not all easy to do and when you add the heat some of them are down right impossible. Within the first pose I noticed sweat running down my legs. after 15 minutes I was officially soaked. Of course my immediate reaction was to feel embarrassed but as I looked around the room experienced yogis were sweating just as much as I was. After 30 minutes of poses I took my first break because the room began to appear darker and darker with each blink of my eye.... I was convinced I would pass out if I did not lay down. But the thing about laying down in that kind of heat and humidity is that it really doesn't help that much. I jumped in and out of poses for the following 40 minutes. I got hit by what they call "the yoga train" at 70 minutes all that I wanted to do was run away and never ever ever come back. I felt like I was going to puke and die in that room it was horrible and painful. And I just kept thinking these people have to be fucking insane to ever want to come back here. Instead of focusing on my breathing and whatever else your supposed to focus on in during yoga, my head filled with images of me breaking through the nearby window and breathing in fresh cool air.

But I didn't do that. I didn't run out I didn't give up even though I felt completely ill and miserable. Yes I didn't finish all 26 postures because frankly it's my first time and I'm not an idiot. I'm going to listen to my body do what I know I can do, I will push my body but not to the point of injury.

Walking out of that studio was the best feeling ever. It was cool and pleasant outside. The panic of dying a sweaty yoga induced death vanished. I felt proud and stronger than ever. After coming home I felt peaceful and in control and just really really great. Showering after that was amazing I've never sweat so much in my life. It was horrible and awesome at the same time.
This morning I woke up glowing and sore and slimmer. And I honestly can't wait to go back tomorrow.


Namaste

<3

stop being lazy

So since I've started this new job at family video, I've virtually cut out all forms of exercise. I've been exhausted and overwhelmed. I'm having a really hard time going from being a housewife to a workin' woman. But I can not take it anymore. Most mornings before I would wake up and admire the progress I'd made and the new emerging muscle tone from the hard work outs I'd been doing.
I miss this so much. Most days now I wake up and pray that I haven't gained ten pounds from eating fast food or spending my free time cleaning and lounging on the couch. I'm sick of those terrifying 15 seconds I spend waiting for the number to load on the scale or hoping that my pants still fit the same as they did a month ago.
I feel it must be a sign that I signed on to groupon today and the first thing that came up was a $39 special for 2 unlimited month of Bikram Yoga in Grosse Pointe. I heard the message load and clear, STOP BEING A LAZY ASS AND EXERCISE!
Another message came along with it, see I've always been soooooo self conscious about exercising in front of other people especially strangers who are more in shape than I. You may find this hard to believe, but I am an extremely competitive person. I love to win and I hate hate hate to lose. I like to know that I am the best at what I'm doing in any given situation. So when I think of going to a fitness class, I tend to immediately imagine myself falling over or tripping or just sweating my balls of (yes growing them first then literally sweating them off) while tons of tiny people who are in great shape make me look and feel like an ass. 
I've been talking about signing up for one forever but with today's deal I could not find an excuse as to why I couldn't do it. It's extremely affordable, it's not too far away, they have a variety of hours and it only take up an hour and a half of my time to potentially burn 1200 calories.
Bikram yoga is neat. It take place in a room that is a minimum of 102 degrees and it's supposed to to great things for you health, flexibility, fitness and of course the scale.
I am excited that I will not be able to make up excuses not to go because I used hard earned cash to pay for it and I'm not letting it go to waste. I'm aiming for Monday 9am to be my first class. I'm planning on taking before pictures Sunday and blogging my progress for the next two months, just in case my poor self esteem or laziness creeps up on me. Sharing my experience will (hopefully) motivate me to keep with it and get back to my active lifestyle!
Much of the blogging inspiration came from  dailyrebecca. She's starting "weigh in wednesdays" and I'm gonna try to do something similar to that.


<3