12 Weeks

Today I'm officially 12 weeks pregnant! (Starting my 13th week)

Week 12 was weird but awesome. I was even more exhausted than normal but it seemed like my nausea was only occurring every other day. Until yesterday where I lost my breakfast very unexpectedly. The awesome part was that we got to hear our itty bitty baby's heartbeat for the first time! It was amazing and so reassuring to hear it pounding away in there. The heartbeat was 155 bpm which according to old wives tales indicates girl.

I really thought earlier on we would have a girl, but I'm really leaning towards boy now and I constantly catch myself to referring to it as a "him." I mean we've nicknamed it baby Spartacus which may feel a little awkward if we find out its a tiny baby girl in there.

Anyway my pregnancy has been a constant surprise for me so now I pretty much expect anything to happen. I always imagined being one of the pregnant ladies who was constantly elated and enamored by the whole pregnancy experience. I imagined I would eat an insanely healthy diet every day, maybe have slight morning sickness. Having heard my mother (who was one of those super peaceful insanely happy pregnant people) constantly talk about how easy her pregnancy was, how hungry she was and how she thinks of her pregnancies as the happiest parts of her life, I expected to feel and be the same way.....

They aren't lying when they say every pregnancy is different.

As soon as I hit 6 weeks I was sick all day every day. Literally every minute of my like I was on a fair ride I could never get off. I've had the stomach flu quite a few times in my life, it sucks, but the nice thing about the stomach flu is that it's over with in about a week at the most. Morning sickness lasts for weeks and drains every bit of energy out of you. Not to mention by 7/8 weeks I had developed my insane food aversions. All of the sudden every vegetable that I had loved and planned on eating in abundance smelled and tasted rotten. Lean white meats went from a stable in my diet to completely untouchable. The only thing that I had any interest in eating was fruit and white potatoes. After 14 months of pretty much being on a diet I was not used to not eating vegetables every day.

For the past 6 weeks my diet has been disgusting and I feel constantly guilty about it. My midwife has informed me that for now I should just eat whatever I can and worry about it after week 14. I try to remind myself this when I eat a junior bacon cheese burger and there's a lump in my throat because I feel so guilty. I did everything right and I was well informed before becoming pregnant I know that healthy eating is important. Or at least I did. According to my midwife for now all that matters is that I'm taking my vitamins getting protein and fiber and as much diary as I can stand (which unfortunately isn't much).

Before I became pregnant I scoffed at women who ate crap and thought "don't they know that's bad for them? Do they not care?" I know now that most of the time they day care but that's literally the only thing they can scarf down in order to get some calories to the baby. That is them caring. Most days I don't want to eat anything I know after every meal I'm going to feel horrible but I eat what I can because the baby needs it.

I am not the glowing pregnant lady I imagined. My face looks like that of a young girl going through puberty, I am sick all day every day, I eat a great deal of crap, I don't exercise everyday because I'm exhausted, I really don't think that I'm glowing. I am happy though. Happier than I've probably every been in spite of all of the crap. I will also never judge a pregnant woman again for what they eat or how they act. It's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Anyways enough whining I just had to get that out there.

The baby is definitely bigger (the size of a plum now!)

My animals aren't allowed to lay on my tummy anymore without some careful placement. My bump is super duper sensitive. Speaking of which it looks way more bumpy this week!

On Tuesday we have an ultrasound and we are soooo excited to see him again! Until next time :)

i'm pregnant

11 weeks pregnant (working on my 12th week).

Before we got pregnant we were ttc (trying to conceive)  for quite some time. After the 6th cycle I started to get a bit worried and honestly a kind of bitter. It seemed like everyone I've ever known has simply spread their legs and wound up pregnant. It was easy for most people. I envied these people... Scratch that... I was jealous of these people. Sometimes I feel like there's a force out there working against me instead of supporting me on my way. I've often had this outlook that some things come easier to pretty much everyone besides of me and I'm fated to struggle  for my entire existence. < this is ridiculous.

 I've realized that most people work hard for the things that they have just like me and I'm often reminded by friends and family that while I don't have the perfect job right now and pregnancy wasn't coming as easily as I had thought, I am one lucky bitch. I have an amazing and infinitely supportive husband, a beautiful home, reliable transportation, a great family, an amazing group of friends. An amazing group of friends is one of the most important things I have in my possession. When I stop believing in myself they keep believing in me. They support me, they want the best for me and without them I would lose sight of the woman that I am and who I want to be. (Thanks guys :))

So after months of trying we did get what we wanted it was a struggle but totally worth it and I am so thankful for it. Being pregnant is totally different than I ever imagined it would be, but I'll save that rant for another post.

Anyways here's me playing catch up on belly photos it's pretty much bloat until this week.

9 weeks

10 weeks

11 weeks

Busy Busy

I feel like time is passing so quickly and so slowly at the very same time. Quitting smoking is really really hard and it seems like the longer I go without out it, the more intense the craving is. I get suddenly hit with an intense urge to smoke and it lasts all freaking day. I have cheated a few times, but give a girl a break. I am physically and emotionally addicted to this garbage. Giving it up and all of the things that go along with it is insanity. Eating hefty amounts of food does take the edge off a big, but it's still there and I'm taking in extra calories and fat.

I'm just feeling really crappy about this situation right now.

In other news I have an interview on Thursday for a job that I really want. So hopefully that goes well amidst all of the changes I'm experiencing and all the crappy hours I've been working. 

Can you say Negative Nancy?

That's it! I've had enough! I quit!

Smoking has been something that I love to do for years now. There's nothing like the feeling of smoking a cigarette after a filling meal, sipping a latte, or taking that first sip of a beer after a long hard days work (I should be in advertising). Or if your me... Whenever your in the car, whenever someone calls, when you wake up in the morning. when you go to sleep at night, when you just found out some great news, when something really shitty just happened, or nothing happened and your just bored and don't have anything better.

I say no more! I'm calling bullshit on you Camel Lights! Yes you are soo delightful on most all of those occasions. Yes you were a symbol of my independence from an abusive relationship. Yes you've been through all of the good and bad times with me. There with me at my deepest darkest moments as well as joyful celebrations.

I have fooled myself into believing that I not only need cigarettes, I want them. After starting Bikram, straightening out my eating habits, as well as my life, I've realized something. I am strong and smart and beautiful and I have no greater desire than to live and be happy. I see so many life paths and options on the horizon and I really don't want my smokes to come with me.

For 5 years we've been bffs. But friends don't try to kill other friends.

I'm sure we'll meet on occasion through different points in my life. But I'm letting you go and taking back control. 

The Plateau

It's official! I'm over the weight loss plateau I've been working to get over since April! I can not believe it!

Height: 5'10 <---(I'm not so sure about this one anymore I feel taller!)
Weight: 176.6 lbs
Bust: 40
Waist: 31
Hips: 42

This was a hard week. I was ill or injured from Thursday through Sunday, so that meant no working out.... And all I wanted to eat was junk food. In fact that's all I want to eat right now too. Right now I'm craving chicken parmesan, bread sticks and salad from olive garden sooooooo bad right now.

 

I indulged sooo many cravings this week that I'm surprised I still saw weight loss. Plus getting under 177 was huge for me. It's the smallest I've been in two years. 

 

I'm soooo happy to finally have this crappy fat off of my body. I feel so much better everyday even when I do indulge it's generally not on high fat food. And I'm still getting cravings for veggies and fruits every day. I feel like my mind and my body have been sooo disconnected for so long, it's such an amazing thing when they start to work together. Every day I feel like I'm coming closer and closer to being the person I've wanted to be forever: confident, patient, caring and strong. Those are things that I've admired in others so much and it's exciting to think that I might actually be that person.

I think this may be the year I can finally fulfill my nerdy girl fantasy of being princess leia (think gold bikini) for Halloween. A girl can dream. 

namaste

<3

One Week Later.

And it's still hard but I like it. This past week I've been back on track with logging my food and exercise with the wonderful LoseIt app. And I've been to 3 Bikram Sessions....

Height: 5'10 <---(I'm not so sure about this one anymore I feel taller!)
Weight: 179 lbs
Bust: 41
Waist: 31
Hips: 42

So I've lost 3lbs (now I'm back to my pre Family Video weight), 1 inch off my waist and a half of an inch off of both my arms and thighs. So total 3lbs 3inches lost but I've gained sooo much this week.
I've gained the knowledge that I can preform eagle and love it, along with the fact that I hate hate hate camel and every time I enter the posture I immediately feel like I'm going to puke!

I'm also starting to gain stability and balance in my life. For a long time I've tended to be an all or nothing type of person. This whole year has been about moderation and boy has it been a struggle. But yoga puts things in perspective for me. I've been thinking a lot about time spent exercising in the past and how I hardly ever enjoyed it. Most of my time spent exercising was filled with thoughts of: when will this be over? what am I doing after? why does this hurt so much? will I ever be "in shape"? I'm learning to focus on the moment and experience things and not always worry or fantasize about what's coming next.

I've always worried or looked forward the future. I've had my life planned out for years. Graduate, go to college, go to grad school, get a high paying completely enjoyable job (yea I know now that that doesn't exist), buy a big beautiful house in the suburbs, go on vacations bi yearly, pop out a kid (or two)... Wow. I've learned that life doesn't work like that. Just because I take the appropriate measures to achieve these "goals" doesn't mean that things will work out perfectly, it doesn't mean that I'll be a happy person. After an intense Bikram session I have this amazing drive home with cool air on my face and a lot of time to think. And what I've been thinking is SCREW THE PLAN! I'm learning to enjoy the things I have and the special little moments that happen to me everyday.

Bikram is changing the way I feel, the way I look and most importantly the way I think. I feel like I can handle anything thrown my way, but for the time being I'm enjoying my increasingly more "zen" life.


Namaste  "the spirit in me respects the spirit in you"

<3

I'm Changing.

Although I've only been to a few sessions. Bikram has begun to infiltrate my mind and my body. I love waking up and feeling sore, but more than anything I love getting up every day and feeling good about my self. I've never felt so happy and empowered before. I've been able to get out of my own head and enjoy what's going on around me. I've been worrying less and feeling less anxiety. My car died on my way home from class this week. But I didn't panic or get upset, I just took it.
I feel so great and I'm  beginning to think that this class is about much more than physical fitness.